For so many people, sex can feel like a performance, a duty, or something we SHOULD do—rather than something rooted in authentic, embodied pleasure. Let’s talk about why this happens and how to break free.
Why Sex Can Feel Like a Performance
I hear this often from clients, and it’s something I’m deeply aware of in my own sex life. Although I’ve been having sex for about 30 years, I think it’s really only been in the past five or so years that I’ve really been doing it in an embodied way. This comment from our last workshop really exemplifies this challenge:
“My experience is that sex can feel performative and sort of automatic—it feels like a response to an unspoken expectation rather than an intentional choice.”
I know this woman isn’t alone in her feelings—I’ve felt this, and I know so many others that have, too. And remember, this absolutely cuts across gender lines. I have seen that most of my clients feel performative in some way, even if your performance pressure looks different than your partner’s pressure.
Why are so many of us moving through sex in this way? Sex becomes performative when it’s shaped by:
- Unconscious (and unexamined) shame and stigma—from family, religion, media, or past partners. We’re running unconscious scripts about sex, bodies, pleasure, and relationships that might be holding us back.
- Unspoken expectations—You might have said things like, “I owe them;” “I should want this;” “This is what good sex looks like.” When we feel things like this (and don’t talk about it), the habit creates negative feedback loops. For example, if you don’t like the sex you’re having, but keep doing it because this is what you think your partner wants, or it’s supposed to hurt this way, you’ll subconsciously train your body to feel sex in this negative way, and you’ll stop wanting it naturally, and only be able to access it via performance.
- Gender conditioning:
- Those of us raised as girls and women: We are both over-sexualized and deeply shamed for our sexuality. We’re taught that our pleasure is secondary, their body exists for pleasure or service of others, and they should say yes to sex they don’t want in order to keep their partner happy.
- Those of us raised as boys and men: Many are expected to always initiate, perform, stay hard, and never show emotion. You’re often expected to be ‘dominant’ or be a leader in the sex, rather that feeling into their whole body.
These beliefs disconnect us from our innate pleasure, disconnect us from our bodies, and keep our intrinsic desires tapped down (and unavailable). All of this limits our ability to experience the deepest pleasure.
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