Cultivating presence, attention, attunement, and practicing directed energy makes you a captivating lover and creates more satisfying sexual experiences.
Why Practice Mindful Sex? Mindfulness is good for our brains and bodies, and mindful sex is good for our connection and our pleasure. It’s an antidote to so many of the challenges my clients bring to me:
- Boring or routine sex
- Going through the motions
- Just getting it over with
- Lack of connection or spark
- That nagging feeling of wanting more
First Foundation: Mindfulness // Presence
- Decades of research, including work by Canadian psychologist Dr. Lori Brotto, show how central mindfulness is to sexual experience
- One of the biggest blocks to being present during sex is “spectatoring”: watching and judging yourself from the outside instead of being in your body
- Spectatoring pulls you out of sensation and away from pleasure
- Mindfulness is the practice of bringing your attention back, again and again, so you can actually feel more
Second Foundation: Slowness // Stillness
- Give yourself space, time, and calm. Spaciousness makes everything juicier
- Slow it down. Then slow it down by half
- Try holding still entirely. If you have a vulva, this is powerful: let the fingers, tongue, toy, or cock stop moving, and notice what arises in the stillness
- If you have a penis, slowness might mean losing your erection. That’s okay: there’s a lot you can do with a soft cock, and it’s delicious
- Give your body time to relax into sensation instead of rushing toward a goal
Third Foundation: Attention // Deep Focus
- Are you giving your partner the attention they deserve, to their existence, their needs, their wants?
- Focus fully on what you’re doing, and do it with love and care
- Bring your attention back to the task at hand, whether you’re giving or receiving
- A few phrases to let your partner know the only place you want to be is right here, right now:
“I’m here for as long as you need.”
“I love giving you this much attention.”
“I really enjoy doing ______ with you.”
“I noticed you like ______, do you want more of that?”
“How can I make this more pleasurable, interesting, or relaxing for you right now?”
Fourth Foundation: Intention // Directed Energy
- What’s your intention for this session: to care for, to arouse, to nurture, to turn yourself on?
- I love the Wheel of Consent framework for this: touch for us, touch for them, giving versus taking. Both are delicious, and we need to stay conscious of which one we’re offering
- How can we show up with real intentionality, both in our relationships and in our sexual sessions?
- A few ways to set intention out loud:
- “Let’s set a timer for an hour and see what comes up.” (especially useful for responsive desire)
- “I’d like to practice this new toy/skill: are you open to a little workshop?”
- “I know it’s been hard to drop in lately, let’s choose a playlist and use headphones to cut distractions.”
- “I’m not up for penetration tonight, but I miss your body. Want to kiss, cuddle, and maybe masturbate together?”
- “What kind of intention would you like to set for our session/playdate/scene/weekend?”