If you’re with me in the ‘zone of chaos’ that is perimenopause, you know that this shift asks (demands?) a lot of recalibration. You may be navigating too many other things at this time—young children or empty-nesting, an end to a long-term partnership, new medical challenges, career shifts or expansion—and sex might be at the bottom of your list. Especially if the sex you’ve had over the last few decades is unsatisfying, uncomfortable, disconnected, or painful.
But there is another possibility, my hot-flashing friend.
There are many ways we must pivot, reimagine, and reinvent ourselves during this midlife transition, and I invite you into your deepest pleasure as part of your perimenopausal pivot. Sex that’s actually pleasurable, a body that is awakened, touch that is nourishing, and slowness that is luscious.
Your body is changing, your hormones are changing, and during this perimenopausal shift, sex needs to change, too. And I actually think it’s a shift most women are actually craving!
Instead of the pressure to perform your pleasure, or focusing on the act itself, we’re going to focus on pleasure in our bodies. Rather than numbing out or tolerating sex that’s less-than-good, we’re going to slow down and connect more to our whole being. Rather than outsourcing our pleasure to a partner, we’re taking it back into our own hands.
Sexual Wisdom & Practice
For me, perimenopause has meant coming to terms with a new, changing body. It means learning to care for myself in many new ways. It’s necessitated slowing down, being more present in my body, and experiencing pleasure in totally new ways. And in my new marriage, it’s meant learning how to have both a solo and shared sexual practice that is totally different than in previous partnerships.
I’m now 46, married for 8 months (today!). I’m also trained as a sex coach and a sex educator. So while I know more about sexuality than the average human, it’s my own self-inquiry and relational experiences that have given me the best information about sex and desire for my body.
I feel like a new sexual being in this moment in time. And I am, actually, doing something totally new.
In previous relationships, I let myself feel the full throttle of new relationship energy (and all the sexual prowess that engendered). But after that initial hormone/chemical cocktail wore off (and it always does, that’s just science), I mostly lost touch with my own desire for sex.
This is partially because I didn’t understand how spontaneous and responsive desire works, and also because I just allowed my partners to run our sex life. We had sex when they initiated, and mostly how they wanted. My desire wasn’t really part of the conversation. I felt like sex was something that was expected of me as a partner, and so I ended up having a lot of sex that was unsatisfying, not pleasurable, non-orgasmic, and even coercive with a particularly abusive partner of years past.
I got to this place of new sexual wisdom in my late 30s, when I started studying tantra and sacred sexuality. I started with reading a zillion books, and realizing what I was missing. Then I began to attend workshops, bring practices home, and eventually, I got certified in various capacities with awesome teachers, all while working into the initial stages of perimenopause. So I have lots of knowledge, skills, practices from my training, plus my own felt-sense and body wisdom that has guided me to better understand what is really possible with sexuality as we age.
And I promise, there is so much that awaits on the other side of your explorations! 
Solo Sex, Nourishing Sex & Slow Sex
There are three really important pathways to expanding our pleasure potential in midlife, most of which are unexplored or underutilized.
First, exploring great SOLO SEX.
Masturbation is often secret, sometimes shameful, usually finished quickly. And yes, quickies can be helpful and hot, and I am absolutely a fan of sex toys that help us get off quickly.
However! In addition to quick vibe sessions, I’m suggesting that you invest in your body and your pleasure in totally new ways that focus on your whole body, your needs, and your pleasures yet-to-be-discovered. I invite you into longer, deeper, more engaging pleasure experiences that work with your whole mind, body, and sexual self.
Finding what feels good is important, because context matters in sex, even solo sex. This is because most of us have responsive desire. And this means opening yourself up, slowing down, and making space before you’re fully turned on. We have a cultural and often individual mythology that tells us we need to be struck by the lightning bolt of desire before getting started. Nope, that’s not how most of us work, love.
Most of us responsive babes (myself included) feel our desire emerge after we open the door to our willingness. This doesn’t mean overriding your clear NO, but it does mean being curious about your willingness to become turned on. In context, this might sound like, ‘once I got going I was really turned on.’
So maybe you need new pathways to that willingness. Imagine treating yourself as if you were your own best, most devotional lover—how would you like to care for your animal body? Maybe this looks like getting gorgeous and taking yourself on a date, lounging for hours in the bath, or getting stoned and doing yoga in the living room to settle after a long day.
Maybe it starts with listening to some audio erotica, or reading something smutty. Maybe it’s taking a nap and letting yourself dream-fantasize about the person at the gym, the one that got away, or your last amazing sexual encounter. Let yourself become softly, mindfully tuned into the slow flow of your arousal.
Give yourself 15 minutes, maybe a half hour, or an hour if you’re feeling extra spacious. How much pleasure can you feel? How many orgasms can you have? What unexplored regions of your body are asking for attention? Do you have a new toy to explore, or a favorite one to use in new ways? Can you layer your turn-on by listening/watching something while self-pleasuring?
This leads into the second tenet of great perimenopausal sex: NOURISHING SEX.
Masturbation and self-pleasure (whether quick or slow/sensual) can have a big impact on your whole system. We know it releases a cascade of hormones that reduce anxiety, reduce pain, improve sleep, and overall help us feel better. The research says that women would be willing to try masturbation if their doctor recommended it (which most doctors would not), so this Sex Educator is here with your unofficial prescription! To learn more about the hormones, anatomy, and why orgasm is so good for you, I highly recommend this ‘stack from Dr. Sara Szal.
When we start to have sex differently (no rushing, no performance) we also start to feel better about sex generally, which is likely to lead to more of it. Rather than having goal-oriented sex or duty sex, we can start to be attentive to our sensations, our organic arousal, our touch, and the building desire that flows within all of us. This is when sex can become deeply nourishing: it feels good, you know it’s good for your body, and it’s satisfying.
And finally, the third pathway to deeper perimenopausal pleasures is SLOW SEX.
Slow everything down, in your life and in your bedroom. Touch, kissing, using toys, playing with a partner… nearly everything is improved by slowing down… and then slowing down again.
Not only does this allow for that organic arousal, it helps you stay in the moment, without rushing into what’s next, or what do they want? Slow sex, or more mindful sex (solo or partnered) is a wholly new way to approach sex and pleasure.
To practice slower sex, we simply slow down. This might look like noticing sensations in our body, finding what needs to shift. We follow what feels good, and keep doing that. We take breaks, to pee or to drink tea. We remove the rule of routine, and flow easily between kissing, genital touch, cuddling, and the million other ways to be in pleasure with a body. We remove the destination and the rush towards orgasm, and feel more of the moment. If you want to make it extra juicy, you can add some conscious breaths into your touching, which can help keep you connected to your body, and heighten the pleasure. Utilizing breath can be an anchor point into the body, if you’ve had a hard time feeling or if you often feel distracted, or numb. Breath is always there, to bring you back inwards. And when you’re here, feeling breathing noticing… there is literally no limit to how much pleasure you can feel.
The best part of all of this? You can start right now.
You don’t need a new toy, a doctor’s prescription, or more guidance—you simply need your own willingness to be curious and kind and playful with yourself.
All of these pathways (solo sex, nourishing sex, and slow sex) help us find more of ourselves, more of our pleasure, and help us come back into our bodies after years or perhaps decades of not paying enough attention. These holistic pathways help us find our way to true sexual wellness… where it feels good, is joyful, and is genuinely nourishing.
I’ve shared many more resources and readings below, darling. And soon, I’ll be launching my online Collective where we make space for all these yummy topics with office hours, workshops, classes, worksheets, and so much more. It is a blessing to guide women back into themselves, their bodies and their pleasure. Come play!