There are lots of reasons to want to have sex—and for most of us, it’s not because we’re horny.
One of the BIGGEST CHALLENGES for long-term couples comes in the form of mismatched desire, or libido. This is common—and it’s often a case of misinformation. Some of us are wired to have SPONTANEOUS DESIRE; others are wired to have RESPONSIVE DESIRE. Knowing which one you are can help you better communicate with your babe and create more opportunities for play 
Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire
For those of us with spontaneous desire, you might wonder: WHY DO I NEED A REASON TO HAVE SEX? 
People with spontaneous desire just feel it (aroused, horny, desirous, amorous, turned on) like a bolt of lightening. “It hits me out of nowhere,” you might say.
Those of us with responsive desire kinda need to get warmed up before we feel our desire emerge. “Once I get going, I really like it (and wonder why I don’t do it more often),” you might say.
So for those of us that don’t usually feel horny (aroused, desirous, amorous, turned on), there might be other reasons you want to have sex… and once you get going, you get really into it. 
For example, I don’t usually crave sex directly. But I will say to my Beloved:
“I miss your body.”
“I want to connect with you.”
“I miss touching you; I want to pleasure you.”
And then once we get closer, take off our clothes, then my arousal arrives, and we’re in it together! 
We are also big fans of scheduled sex: knowing that we have time/space to drop into sexy time this weekend means that we both have something to look forward to. I’ll be sharing more content about that soon. 
Scheduling sex—or creating WILLINGNESS WINDOWS—can help those of us that are responsive better work with how individual wiring and allow us to warm up slowly to find our arousal.
All the Reasons to Have Sex… that’s not about being horny!
Years ago, I read a great list of like 200 reasons reasons why someone might want to have sex that was more than simply, “I wanted sex.”
I cannot FOR THE LIFE OF ME find the original list in whatever long-lost book, but I remember a lot of it. So I created my own list; I also chatted with my favorite Sex Therapist who gave me a bunch of great ideas, and included some reasons from clients to create a custom list of alllllll the reasons someone might want to initiate sex that’s NOT ABOUT THE SEX (or burning desire) itself.
What might you add to the list? What did we miss?
And to be clear, this list is focused on those in long-term partnerships, and not single folks. If you want that type of data, you can find it here in this 2005 study. This list, working with on-campus undergraduate students, includes things like, ‘I wanted the conquest,’ or ‘I was attracted to their intelligence.’ It’s interesting, but not exactly the same as how/why people might initiate sex in a long-term partnership (unless they are seeking extramarital sex experiences, which is another topic!).
- To feel into my body
- To feel pleasure (to feel turned on)
- To relieve stress
- To help me take my mind off something hard/challenging
- Because I missed being touched
- Because I missed touching them
- Because I miss my partner
- To celebrate a holiday (anniversary)
- To create an altered state of consciousness
- To enjoy pleasure as a practice (like meditation, prayer, etc)
- To explore a new toy/practice (ie: a new vibrator, a new rope tie)
- To fall asleep
- To wake up
- To remember my power
- TO FEEL ALIVE (to celebrate life); eroticism, vitality
- Because I’m thinking of someone else
- Because I have a fantasy I want to enact (in my head or in real life)
- Someone else turned me on
- Make-up sex
- Break up sex
- Pity sex
- Because we had the time
- As a reward for doing something hard/challenging
- Kids were asleep/away for the night
- Because they are so handsome/beautiful that I just had to do it
- To thank my partner for something they did earlier
- Because it’s been too long
- I wanted to have fun
- I wanted to feel attractive
- I wanted them to feel attractive
- I want to keep them satisfied
- I wanted to make a baby
- I know it’s good for me… I wanted the health/hormone benefits!
- Because I’m grateful they are my partner
- Because I’m scared of losing them
- Because we use sex as a way to pray/connect with Spirit
- Because we CAN!
- Because we had free time.
- To find something I’ve lost (get back in touch with myself)
- Maintenance sex… ‘comfort sex’ that I know is good for the long-term sexual relationship