There are lots of tips and tricks and ‘secrets’ for how couples can build intimacy… but there is one thing that I’ve found is paramount if you want a deeper, more connected and intimate relationship.
The number one thing you can do to build intimacy in your relationship is to KEEP YOUR WORD.
I’ve been sharing content over this past month about all the different ways to build intimacy in order to build the ‘ecosystem of intimacy.’ This is super important to building a deeper romantic and sexual connection. Non-sexual intimacy is amazingly important, and to be an emotionally and sexually mature lover, you need to learn to build the connection for the sake of connection alone. However, there are lots of folks that operate out of integrity and use these practices to cajole or coerce their partner into sex.
The Importance of Integrity in Relationship
If you want to build a deeply satisfying sexual relationship, you simply must keep your word. This builds safety, connection, and love between you and your partner. But sometimes, bad habits motivated by sexual desire moves us out of integrity—and potentially into harm of our partners.
If you’re not keeping your word, your relationship isn’t going to work. If you find yourself asking for one thing, and then taking another, this is a HUGE problem.
How does this show up in relationship?
🌀 When you offer to give your lover a massage … and ask them to play afterwards (or get pouty and whiney if they don’t immediately reciprocate with something sexual).
🌀 Offer to cuddle and snuggle and connect your bodies… and then get ‘just so turned on’ that you cajole/convince/coerce them into sexy time.
🌀 Agree to take a sexy shower, love up each others’ body, and then try to get more more more from your partner even though you don’t have time or if they’ve already said no to sex.
🌀 Generally whine, pout, sulk, or grumble is your partner doesn’t ‘give’ you sex as often as you want.
I hear often (especially from my women) that their partners do this to them. Too often, partners will use intimacy guiding as the gateway, but their partners use it as either an access point TO SEX or with the EXPECTATION of sex. STOP THIS, immediately.
Intimacy is Really About Deep Trust
When we offer one thing and then make it about something else, it erodes trust. Hard stop. I had a partner that said to me often, “tonight is all about your pleasure.” Sounds great, but then he reverted back into his desire and need, and I felt coerced into playing.
There is a lot of sexual misinformation out there, and I definitely grew up thinking that if my partner got a boner, that I was responsible for doing something about it. I promise you, you are not.
You are responsible for your own sexual desires.
This behavior is toxic. Maybe not always in the moment (there is something to getting carried away… with consent)… but if this pattern repeats for weeks, months, years… it is toxic, and it will turn your partner away from ALL touch. And when we turn away from touch, or intimacy dies. So many couples stop touching each other because they don’t want to excite the other person or let them think that sex is on the table. This can lead to resentment and dissatisfaction for all. So much more love is possible when you connect with integrity. Watch all my videos on TikTok or Instagram on this topic!
Hold Sexual Energy … and Build Intimacy (Especially for the Men)
To be a better lover, and to help build safety in your relationship, you need to learn to cultivate, curate, and HOLD your own erotic energy. When we learn to build and HOLD our erotic energy (rather than need to expel it or move it via sexual play and orgasm), we can give energy and attention to other in a way that doesn’t necessitate MORE. We can learn to enjoy this increased sexual energy during whatever activity, and keep the attention focused on the other. This helps facilitate connection and safer experiences for our lover. If you’re curious to learn more about expanded sexual play for men, read my mindful sex for men article or my edging and expansion practice.