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Big Time Sensuality: Take Yourself on a Pleasure Date

Your deepest, wildest pleasure isn’t OUT THERE—the richest pleasure you can imagine is already inside of you. It takes self-inquiry and practice to help us find our deepest expression. Let’s dive in. 💦


Self-pleasure can (and should be) a regular and healing practice for you and you alone. Not only is it fun, joyful, and healing for our bodies, it helps us better understand our sexuality, our body, and how we like to be touched. This is really vital, because most of us have a hard time knowing what we need and desire—this is true regardless of our sexuality, experience, gender expression. Being our own lover helps us better understand our own body, our own pleasure, and our own orgasm. We can give ourselves endless delight and (if/when) you play with others, you can share the how/why of your perfect touch, creating a better sexual experience.

self-pleasure andrea bertoli

I also really think self-pleasure is conscious rebellion. Collectively, we have deep cultural, familial, religious, social shame around self-pleasure. Taking things into our own hands (literally!) is a healing, self-reclamation process that helps us feel our own innate goodness and pleasure.

It’s also pushback against a culture that tells us not to be ‘too needy’ or ‘too selfish’ when in bed with others, which is just not true. A good lover will WANT your pleasure (but not put pressure on you to perform). Taking pleasure into your own hands helps you know your body, learn your pleasure, and can help you advocate for yourself in partnered situations. It’s also an act of defiance in a world that tells us pleasure doesn’t matter.

Take Yourself on a Pleasure Date

One of the ways I invite people to feel more of their sensual, sexual selves is to take themselves on a pleasure date. Here are a few things to consider for your solo date night:

💕 Set time for your solo pleasure date just like you would for a dinner with a friend or a romantic date. It’s important, so note it on your calendar, free your schedule, and commit to yourself.

💕 Set the stage: How can you set up your room for five-sensory experience. Maybe you have softer lighting, your favorite scents (candles, incense, etc), your favorite playlist, and maybe some nice drinks (herbal tea, a glass of Pinot, or just some sparkley water).

💕 Set up your body: Shower or take a bath with your favorite (or a new special) body wash or soap. Do you feel better if you shave or groom your body? Maybe you use some special lotion or oil on your body and face to really drop into the pleasure of your whole body.

💕 Set aside the mental space: Finish the dishes, email, tasks so that you can really clear your head. Anything that disrupts your play can be a brake, and if you can remove it, do so.

💕 Set up toys/objects and clothing you like. Maybe it’s a favorite (or new) sex toy, your favorite lubricant, the right socks (my favorite sex accessory), the sexiest lingerie or undies, or your coziest pajamas.

💕 Set yourself up to SAVOR. Treat yourself as you’d like a lover to treat you: sensuous, slow, mindful. On your date, practice slowing down your pleasure. And then, slow down again. Revel in the stillness, the breath, and the sweet touch. Learning how to settle our nervous system, practice the slow burn, and experience more subtle sensations are the keys to a deeper and more expansive sexual experience. 

Does this seem like work? Yea, a little bit! But you are SO worth it. When I offer slower sex practices like this, I also want to be sure to say that yes, sometimes it’s fun to just ‘bang one out.’ But there is a lot that awaits when you turn self-pleasure into a deep lovemaking session with yourself.

True exploration of our sensual selves is a lifetime of work—this is my own path that I’ve been on for a decade, and it’s your path to explore at your own pace. You are a beautiful flower, with thousands of layers to explore and expose, when you’re ready. If you want to explore further with a sexuality expert, I invite you to my ongoing classes or schedule your own session.


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