Loving on men, and celebrating softness, tenderness, and erectile unpredictability. Here are some musings and practices from your favorite Sex Coach about how to love up his soft cock.
So many men tell me about their deep sense of body shame. If you are partnered with a man or a person with a penis, there are lots of ways to love up their body to be a partner in his healing. One way to explore this is with deep love and appreciation for a soft cock.
A Foundation for Male Sexual Anatomy
Many men experience penis shame and sexuality shame. A lot this comes from a lack of basic sex education. Without access to sex education, many men think they are too small, come too quickly, and/or don’t understand why sometimes their cock does not work they way they want it to. We’re gonna look at how penises work (and sometimes why they don’t do what we want). This can help deprogram shame and stigma about penises and better understand the penis. This is especially as men age, their erections don’t jump on command. Here are some really important things to know about the penis!
- Erections (or lack thereof) doesn’t mean he’s ready for sex; lack of doesn’t mean he’s not attracted to you/interested in you. If he’s saying he’s turned on but is soft, this is called arousal non-concordance: your brain is turned on but your body isn’t showing it, or your body is showing signs of arousal, but your head isn’t in it. Arousal happens in the BRAIN, and we listen to words, not what the body is doing.
- Penis Size! One of the biggest sources of shame for penis-having folks is that they are not big enough. Firstly, the science! The average penis size is 8.8 cm (3.5 in) when flaccid and 12.9 cm (5.1 in) when erect. Secondly, the experience and anecdotes. The people that I know that have sex with men (including myself) often prefer average size penises. The genitals you see in pørn are often bigger than average, and often this is used to shame people with more average-sized anatomy.
- Erections sometimes happen, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes erections come, and then go. Erectile unpredictability could be from medical reasons, emotional reasons, or some other physical injury or illness. Learning to tune into your emotional state can give you clues into how your body is reacting.
- Do not take it personally when your partner loses their erection. This doesn’t say anything about you or your relationship or their attraction to you. Just ‘bodies being bodies’ is what my partner and I say in bed!
- A lack of erection doesn’t mean sex has to end. You can take a break, try a new position or a new activity, and see what happens next. Work with me and other experts to find new ways to play beyond penis-in-vagina intercourse! This is especially important as we age. Sure, there are pills to help increase the hardness and frequency of erections But we also need to acknowledge how our bodies change over our lifespan. If we all expect to fuck like we did when we were 25, everyone is going to be disappointed. See below for ways to play with a soft cock that are deeply satisfying.
- Ejaculation! Sometimes it’s faster than they wants, sometimes it’s slower. Premature ejaculation is actually a medical diagnosis that means ejaculation within one minute. If you and your partner are struggling with having an orgasm when you want to, there are practices that help men gain control of their ejaculation and learn to not ejaculate at all (see my article here about edging). I strongly recommend these practices for all penis-owners to explore their own sexuality and gain control of sensation and bodily responses.
Learning How to Have Sex Differently
Learning how to have sex beyond our standard scripts can be really healing for all of us. Finding new ways to play with the body you have NOW is the key to having a deeply satisfying sex life with your partner into the future. And it’s also just SO FUN to explore!
So often we think erections equate to desire and immediacy. As you learned above, erections may or may not be present, so we need to learn to communicate about the desire that is happening in our brain. Secondly, by equating erections with readiness, we leave out the rest of his beautiful body. I’ve written previously about creating new pathways to intimacy and more mindful sex for men (and not just going for the bits). This is important for everybody as we learn and grow our capacity for pleasure.
And now that you know that erections don’t mean anything about his desire, you can also learn to appreciate the beauty of the soft cock. I think this is some really deep, mindful sex exploration, and I invite you to to explore this in order to build intimacy and connection.
Erotic Massage and Soft Cock Appreciation
Learning to love and play with a soft cock is super fun, very sexy, and can be a lovely way to experience pleasure without an erection. There are two primary ways to play with a soft cock: one, as a gently arousal erotic massage or as more directly stimulating sexual play.
Erotic massage (sometimes called cock worship) is a way to love up his body and give him your full attention and adoration. Most people have never experienced this level of deep, focused attention and it may be challenging to accept. Adding to this, many men have their own big feelings about their penis, especially in a soft state—they are literally very soft and vulnerable. I recommend starting with a short time frame, maybe 15 minutes, to explore this practice.
The goal of the erotic massage is not to bring him to erection and/or orgasm, but if that happens, it’s okay! His erection might come and go. The goal of the erotic massage is to relax the tissues, explore all the different parts of his genitals, and literally give him LOVE through your hands. Learn more about how to give an erotic massage to a penis here.
Sexual Play with a Soft Cock
Sexual play with a soft cock can take a few different forms. One is the Tantric practice of soft entry: starting penis-in-vagina sex with a soft penis. This takes a bit of practice to master the technique, but it can be quite fun and stimulating. Often, when the penis is soft upon entry, it will awaken and become erect while inside the vagina. This can be a sweet, safe way to explore penetration. I like to allow my partner’s penis to become soft, then get hard, then soft again. I can use my pelvic floor muscles to pull in his penis (physically and energetically) in order to draw him in. If the penis-owner practices edging and orgasm delay, going in soft and coming out hard will be a deeply powerful and stimulating practice for both partners.
You can also play with a soft cock by using it as a wand to stimulate the clitoris and the vulva. While a soft cock is softer than a finger, tongue, or sex toy, it can still be incredibly stimulating to feel the head of his soft cock. Use a lot of lube, play with rubbing, stroking, or ‘painting’ the vulva with this soft head of the penis, and rubbing the genitals together. Because my partner and I play with cultivating our sexual energy during our play, this can be really sexually stimulating because his cock has an energy that my body feels deeply. Sometimes it feels like a magic magnet, drawing our genitals together!
We also play with a soft cock with me on top. Even without a hard erection, rubbing the genitals together (again, use lots of lube) can create a range of delicious sensations and energetic pleasure in my body. Just like using the penis to ‘paint’ the vulva in the above description, I get a lot of vulva and clitoral stimulation just rubbing atop his soft cock. Sometimes his penis becomes erect, sometimes not.
Learning to Play Differently
When we open ourselves up to sexual exploration, we can have better, deeper, and really different types of pleasure. And as I wrote above, learning how to have sex differently is helpful as we age, and as our relationships change and grow over time. Learning new ways to explore now is choosing to set yourself up for success for your sexual future.
I offer these transformational gifts to my clients and students to help them explore new pleasure pathways and find new ways to work with their body. Whenever I introduce a new practice to clients, I remind them that it is indeed a PRACTICE. Something to try a few times, see if you like it, learn to get better at it, and maybe decide it’s not for you. Often people don’t want to give up on their sexual habits and sex scripts, but I promise that if you are open to exploring, a whole world or pleasure awaits.