Each month I host free online gatherings for pleasure-seekers like you that want to explore topics about mindful sex, conscious relationships, and deep pleasure.
My free events are a service offering to the community, and everyone is welcome to attend. On Saturday, February 24, we will gather again to discuss another aspect of Mindful Sex… the Erotic Thread, or how to keep the fires burning between playtimes. Learn more and register here.
My topic today was Four Foundations of Mindful Sex. These practices have absolutely transformed my sex life, and I know they have transformed the sex for my clients. Below is a summary of some of the key points of Mindful Sex, as well as some resources for further reading and exploration (thank you, to my Beloved, for dropping these into the chat during our session). You can also listen to the audio recording of the session below. Unfortunately, I created my own technical glitch, so I don’t have a video recording to share. 😟
Why practice mindful sex?
Mindfulness is good for our brains and bodies, and mindful sex is good for our connection and for deepening pleasure. Mindful sex is an antidote to so many of the challenges my clients talk about:
- Boring sex or sex that has become routine
- Going through the motions
- Just getting it over with
- Lack of connection or sparkle
- The feeling of wanting MORE from sex
First Foundation of Mindful Sex: Mindfulness // Presence
- Research shows that mindfulness is great for a lot of things in our life, and this applies to sex, too!
- Decades of research by Canadian psychologist Dr. Lori Brotto shows how important mindfulness is to our sexual experience.
- One of the things that hinders many people from being in the moment during sex is ‘spectatoring.’
- This means we’re watching (and often judging) ourselves having sex rather than being in the moment. This can take us out of sensation, out of our bodies, and therefore, away from our pleasure.
- Mindfulness is a great way to help bring our attention back again and again to help us be more mindful and ultimately feel more during sex.
Second Foundation of Mindful Sex: Slowness // Stillness
- Give yourself space, time, and calm. Spaciousness in our playtime can make things super juicy.
- Slow it down, then slow it down by half.
- Stop moving, and practice holding still. This is especially powerful if you have a vulva: allow yourself or your partner to stop moving fingers, tongue, toys, penis and just be with the stillness inside you. See what arises in the stillness.
- If you have a penis, know that slowness might mean you lose your erection. That’s OK! There’s a lot you can do with a soft cock and it’s fucking delicious. Give your body time to relax into sensation, don’t rush towards a goal.
- Stillness of mind, body, spirit, and sexual energy. You are not rushing physically or sexually.
Third Foundation of Mindful Sex: Attention // Deep focus
- Attention is also deeply important as we develop intimacy
- Are you giving your partner the attention they deserve?
- Attention to their existence in the world, to their needs, desires, wants?
- Focus on what you’re doing, and do it with LOVE and CARE
- The goal is to bring attention back to the task at hand, whether you’re giving or receiving.
- Here are some phrases you might use with your love to let them know the only place you want to be is RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.
- “I’m here for as long as you need.”
- “I love giving you this much attention.”
- 💛 “I really enjoy doing _______ with you.”
- 💚 “I noticed you like ____, do you want more of that?”
- 💙“How can I make this more pleasurable or interesting or relaxing for you right now?”
Fourth Foundation of Mindful Sex: Intention // Directed energy
- What are your intentions for your sexual experience: to care for, to arouse, to nurture, to turn yourself on?
- I use a brilliant consent framework called the Wheel of Consent that helps us see touch in two ways // touch for us, touch for them (giving vs. taking). Both are delicious, AND we need to be conscious of what type of touch we’re giving. Learn more about consent here.
- How can we show up with INTENTIONALITY into our relationships, and into our sexual sessions?
- Here’s some phrases for how to set intention:
- “Let’s set a timer for an hour and see what comes up.” (this is especially important for those of us with responsive desire)
- “I would like to practice this new (toy, skill, practice): are you open to a little workshop?”
- 💛 “I know you’ve had a hard time dropping in lately, so let’s choose a playlist and use our headphones so we can limit distractions.”
- 💚”I’m not up for penetration tonight, but I miss your body and I would love to kiss, cuddle, and maybe masturbate together. How does that sound to you?”
- 💙”What type of intention would you like to create for our session/playdate/scene/weekend?”
Listen to the recording here 🎧 🖤!
Resources for More Learning
Here are some of the experts I mentioned in the talk:
- Dr. Ian Kerner // books She Comes First and Tell Me Abou tthe Last Time you Had Sex
- Vanessa Marin, LMFT // book Sex Talks: The Five Conversations You need to Have about Sex.
- Wheel of Consent by Dr. Betty Martin
- Dr. Lori Brotto, mindfulness and sex