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Men’s Conscious Sexuality Gathering: February Notes // Porn & Erotica

Each month I host free online gatherings for men that want to have helpful and healing conversations about sex and pleasure: this month we talked about some topics related to pornography and erotica, and I learned a lot from this group.

My free monthly events are a service offering to the community, and anyone that identifies as a man is welcome to attend. Each month will have a specific theme, and I’ll share some wisdom and practices, and then it’s an open group discussion. Our next gathering for men is March 13: learn more and register here. We’ll be talking about the toxicity of body shame and ‘measuring up.’

And, I’m now offering free monthly classes for everyone! Learn more about all my upcoming classes here.


I love hosting our monthly gathering of open-hearted men, those focused on doing the work of skills-building, relationship healing, and self-engagement. THANK YOU for showing up for yourself and each other! Our February gathering was more conversation-based, and much less lecture from yours truly. Below are some of the key talking points that I used to start the conversation. If you’d like to speak about any of these topics, please contact me.

  • Porn literacy: Understanding that pornography is fantasy + entertainment, not education. Know that performers are professionals (and athletes with extraordinary skills and body parts).
  • Porn addiction—is this really a thing? (NO)
    1. Using the language of ‘addiction’ us to talk about a topic in a way that many people can understand.
    2. Esther Perel invites us to use the phrase as a helpful metaphor
    3. Porn addiction and sex addiction rooted in conversion therapy, and anti-LGBTQ and homophobic rhetoric. The only ultimate solution is abstinence (much like we treat alcohol addiction). It’s also rooted in shame-based culture that tells us the only ‘good’ sex is heterosexual and procreative).
    4. Might be helpful for a partner to blame something (an addition) outside of the relationship. Means they don’t have to be curious or take personal responsibility for what’s happening in the relationship.
    5. Other phrasing: out of control sex behavior (ask yourself, is it disrupting your life?) 
    6. Can be a useful way to explore fantasy, kink, and other types of sex … but sometimes people don’t know how to talk about it.  
  • Partners & disclosure: Have conversations with your partner(s) about whether porn, masturbation, and other sexual behaviors are ‘cheating’ according to them. Sometimes it can bring up surprising difference in how we approach these subjects.
  • Some ways to reconsider how you use porn. Focus on somatic and sensation experiences: what’s happening in your body as you watch?
  • Other ways to use porn and erotica that are not just visual:
    1. Direct to creator accounts (ie: OnlyFans, camming) 
    2. Feminist porn and/or ethical porn
    3. Educational videos
    4. Audio erotica (this is especially helpful if you want to learn more dirty talk)
    5. Written erotica 
    6. Cartoon or comic erotica
    7. AI porn

Register now for the March 13 event to build upon this beautiful work and co-create our beautiful community.


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