I’m delighted to share my very first case study to showcase the transformative nature of men’s sex coaching. This was written and coordinated with my client directly, however, some details have been changed to protect his privacy. This case study is meant to highlight the possibilities of diving deep into mindful intimacy and conscious sexuality work, and is not meant to be a guarantee of any future services or outcomes.
History and Background
Adam is a 49-year old cisgendered heterosexual white male. He currently identifies as polyamorous though is functionally monogamous. He has a history of mental illness (MDD, GAD, alcohol abuse, and Dependent Personality Disorder), all in remission at the time our coaching began.
Adam was raised in United States; in his family and community the predominant message about sex was, “We don’t talk about such things.” Adam has a history of infidelity in his own relationships, and the sole cause for the disintegration of his family of origin was allegedly his father’s infidelity. He has two older siblings and was raised as an only child by his alcoholic mother.
When we began work together, Adam was married. This marriage had been sexless (sexual contact less than ten times per year) for about five years. At the beginning of our coaching, he was also troubled by what he described as mild erectile dysfunction. He viewed his desire, arousal, and orgasm as “a problem to be gotten rid of,” instead of an experience to be savored. Not surprisingly, his solo sex life (ie: masturbation) was intermittent but unfulfilling; his self-pleasure practice was focused only on orgasm.
Presenting Problems for Sex Coaching
Adam’s presenting problem at the start of coaching was lack of awareness of his desires. Adam approached questions of his desire intellectually rather than through his body. In a session I asked Adam directly, “What do you want?” He responded not with his own desires, but what he wanted for other people. He had a few goals in our work together:
- To better understand his erotic self,
- Achieve fulfilling sexual/erotic expression in relationships with women, and,
- Develop a pleasure-based solo sex practice.
In one of our sessions, we practiced the 3-Minute Game from the Wheel of Consent framework. “How would you like to be touched?” is the first question in the 3-Minute Game. Adam froze and could not answer my question. I suggested that we begin with light touch on one arm, he agreed. I was able to see that Adam simply did not know what kind of touch he likes or prefers. For many people, this is indicative of a lack of personal erotic knowledge, and of a culture that tells us that it’s better to give than receive pleasure—this was the same for him.
Upon exploration Adam and I discovered that he has a shame-based personality organization. I worked with Adam to redefine “selfishness” as natural human needs. This helped with his shame-based belief that taking care of himself made him “bad” at his core.
How Men’s Sex Coaching Helped Adam
I introduced Adam to the warrior archetype, and encouraged him to find a unique masculine identity for himself, with the goal of embracing and being proud of his body, sexuality, and innate desires. This exploration has led Adam to explore gender expression, and we’re working on his distorted views of his body, specifically the negative image of his penis. Using reflections and affirmations, I helped Adam reframe his body image to be more accurate and more positive. This was greatly improved by hormone replacement therapy (testosterone) and medication to treat his self-diagnosed erectile disfunction.
As Adam progressed in his cognitive restructuring, I added body-based (somatic) interventions—the body holds the key to our inner wisdom and emotional freedom! He practiced his (consensual) sexual aggression, and learned it could be both attractive to others and confidence-building! This helped build trust and confidence in his desires.
Adam also had a core belief that fully letting himself go would harm his partners emotionally or physically. I countered his core fear with by working on consent models, and contracting for physical and emotional safety with partners. We worked on practices for making requests, setting limits, safewords, and aftercare. This consent-focused framework allowed Adam to trust that his partners could take care of themselves. This creates space for Adam to attend to his own experiences, rather than being hyper-vigilant and afraid that he would cause harm.
Positive Outcomes of Sex Coaching
Once we conquered some of Adam’s limiting beliefs, he was able to explore possible erotic interests for the sake of pleasure. We worked to identify Adam’s core erotic needs: including a desire to be objectified, a strong desire for his partners’ pleasure, and consensual dominance. I recommended and referred Adam to a Shibari (Japanese rope bondage) expert for a lesson and he attended other local sex-positive events as part of his ongoing exploration.
At present, Adam is learning to follow his instincts, and he is revisiting legacy desires with a new set of assumptions. Rather than assuming that what he likes and desires is “too much” or shame-worthy, he expresses his desires, and asks for what he wants. Adam ended his marriage and has found a new partner who is a delightful and healing source of positive mirroring for his erotic desires. That mirroring seems to be contributing greatly to the healing of Adam’s core shame. He is happily moving towards his goal of finding joy, and exploring pleasure and erotic expression.
If you’re ready to begin transforming your relationship to sex and pleasure, contact me today. I offer many solutions for people looking to transform their sexual relationships. I offer individuals and couples coaching sessions, private couples healing immersions, and am hosting a bunch of upcoming workshops.