6 Sex Skills for Men to Have Deeper, More Erotic Sex

What sex skills will make you a deeper, more profound lover? Erotic embodiment is a way of being that allows you to be present, to hold space, to truly give and receive, and to deeply adore your partner in order to create a safe, exploratory space for deeper pleasure. Read more to get the six essential sex skills you need and learn more about what it’s like to be on the receiving end of making love with an embodied man. 

I love talking about how people can have better sex. But sometimes, it’s hard to introduce the topic of Tantra and erotic embodiment to a wider audience that might be new this topic. As I prepare for my upcoming 3-part workshop for men, I wanted to find a way to talk about erotic embodiment for men in a way that best explains the value and depth of such practices. Just before I drafted off to sleep a few nights ago, I had the idea to write about my experience as a woman making love to a man that is deeply erotically embodied, and how these practices help us in our daily erotic pleasure and play. My partner was flattered (and yes, he knows I’m writing about him!)

What is Erotic Embodiment? 

Embodiment is the practice of your own body awareness: knowing sensation, breath, and truly FEELING your feelings. Attunement is being aware of sensation, breath, and feelings of another.

When I feel embodied, it’s a grounded, calm, peaceful energy that allows me to know what’s happening inside. I’m tuned in to myself. Sometimes, while making love or in a yoga class, I feel very embodied and present with my whole self. Other times, while traveling or stressed I feel disembodied—not connected to myself, my heart, my spirit. 

Erotic embodiment, then, is the awareness, sensation, and connection to the sense of erotic self within. Erotic energy is the vibrant, life force energy that resides within and can fuel passionate lovemaking and romantic connection, but also creative projects, deep work, and physical activity. Erotic energy is life force.  

John Wineland, a speaker and coach that I consider an expert at such things, explains that the goal of any men’s embodiment practice would be to find the deep stillness within, and be deeply present with oneself. His suggestions for deep masculine practice include meditation, stillness (especially in nature), and being in nature generally (and specifically with other men). He speaks often about breathwork and dropping into the body in such a way that it allows a man to hold more space within, to feel settled and calm so that he can be present for whatever might arise for his partner. This is the essence of an embodied man, and when we take that still, grounded energy into the bedroom, it is fucking magical. 

6 Sex Skills for Men to Bring Erotic Embodiment Into the Bedroom

There’s a lot here, so let’s start with the TL;DR for those that read by skimming! The 6 erotic embodiment skills for men are the following: 

1. Be still: Stillness of mind, body, spirit, and sexual energy. You are not rushing physically or sexually. 
2. Be present: Present for feelings, expression, emotions, and desires. I am holding space. I am here for you, for us. Nothing more, nothing less. 
3. Be slow: Be slow with your touch, be slow with your kisses. Be slow with your entry into their body, be slow with thrusting. Learn to hold your energy, and see what opens up in your partner. 
4. Be giving: Give for their pleasure, keep no tally. 
5. Be receptive: Learn to receive fully, to express your needs and desires. 
6. Be skillful: Anatomy, physiology, sex skills, play practices, and more to build your list of tools. 

Mmmm! Literally just writing that list makes me feel tingly and excited. These six sex skills, based on a foundation of embodied masculine practice, will help make you a better lover. Better is subjective, of course, so how these skills are actualized will look differently for each person. That is the beauty of these practices: you make them your own and work within your partnership to bring them to life in your own way. As you take ownership of the six skills, they will change and shift and expand within your body, and that of your partner. 

As someone that’s been studying and practicing versions of these skills for myself for years, I can speak from experience that these six skills are a GREAT place to start for everybody. And in particular, as a cis-woman that’s been having sex with men for decades, I can also say that the best sex has always been with men where they show up with these skills. These are the things have have made me feel safer, more connected, and open to sexual expression. As you read more below and practice your own embodied lovemaking in the coming weeks and years, you may find more essential skills (I hope you do create your own list… and I’d love to hear about it when you do).

Let’s get deeper… 

Erotic Embodiment Sex Skill #1: Be Still 

There are many kinds of stillness: mental stillness, breath stillness, body stillness, energetic stillness. If you practice yoga, martial arts, mediation, or chi gong, you may already have the felt sense of stillness. It’s the calm in body/mind/spirit after a yoga class; it’s the deep softening after a breathwork or meditation session. It’s stillness within. As in, your core essence is grounded, calm, and unshakeable. 

When you approach your partner from a sense of stillness, there is no rush, no expectation. Many people move through ‘sex scripts’ or follow the same patterns. What if we showed up from a place of unshakeable groundedness, and allowed the energy to flow? Men can set the stage for stillness in many ways: creating dedicated physical space in the house, creating mental space (taking care of tasks that hold partners back from feeling relaxed), and creating intentional erotic spaces by initiating breath practices or eye-gazing to bring in shared stillness. By being still, a man allows his partner to show up as they are. Learning to hold your sexual energy as stillness (and not a frantic moving energy that needs to be expelled) can be healing for you and your partner. Trust me when I tell you, I can feel a HUGE difference between men that know how to truly hold their energy and those that feel rushed to get themselves to orgasm. 

And what does this feel like as a woman? My partner shows up as stillness so that I can be free. He is not shaken by my needs or desires or big feelings (nor is he shaken by my turnoff or need to stop) He is never rushed, never needing to move sex along. He is patient, slow, and attentive. I know that he’s here in service of our connection and shared erotic expression—not just to get off. I know he’s not focused on his orgasm or mine; he’s here for the practice and the connection and the sensation. In fact, more often than not during our playtimes he chooses not to orgasm. If you’ve never experienced the freedom of ejaculation/orgasm control, mmmm, welcome! Please see my articles here and here for more.

Erotic Embodiment Sex Skill #2: Be Present 

Much like stillness, showing up in presence means you can hold space for your partner. They can be busy, distracted, sad, annoyed, or wildly turned on, and you’re still YOU. You don’t take their mood personally, you are present and holding space for them to be their most authentic self. Being present as a lover means you are in the moment—again, you are not rushing to an end, you are not trying to move the activities along, you are HERE in this moment for whatever arises. 

Deep sex brings up deep feelings for many of us. As we start to peel away the layers of shame, stigma, sadness, and pain that hold us back from deep pleasure, it can be pretty messy. This has come up for both me and my partner: sometimes we have deeply orgasmic experiences, sometimes our orgasms end up in tears or disembodied experiences that take us out of the moment, out of our body. Being present for all that is, is a gift you offer your partner. This looks like: I am here for you, for us. Nothing more, nothing less. 

Erotic Embodiment Sex Skill #3: Be Slow

Mmmmm, the slowness in lovemaking is so delicious. I talk a lot about slowness when I speak about mindful sex, because slowness offers us a chance to re-sensitize our bodies and minds to more subtle pleasures. 

Be slow with your touch, be slow with your kisses. Be slow with your entry into their body, be slow with thrusting. Learn to hold, and see what opens up in your partner. 

Does this mean you always have to be slow? No! Fast hot sex and quickies in the shower are GREAT. But tuning into slowness, and moving between slow/fast is really juicy. Does this mean you can’t use vibrators or toys? No! However, I do encourage people to explore with slow, analog (aka, use your hands) to warm up rather than jumping right in with intense sensations of toys. Learn to re-sensitize yourself, and see what opens up. 

What does this feel like for me? Learning to slow down is my life lesson that plays itself out in sex all the time. By being present and making space for my feelings, and by being slow and steady with my body, my partner creates space for my nervous system to relax. When I relax, I can lean into pleasure in new ways. He helps me remember to be slow within myself by breathing, pausing, reminding me to slow down.

Men worry that when they practice stillness (especially but not exclusively with penis-in-vagina sex) it will make them lose their erection. That’s OK! Learning to love and work with a soft cock is a beautiful lesson for all of us, and it can be so lovely to play with both hardness and softness. And often, when there is softness, it still feels really good to me, and my sexual energy will transfer to him, and boom, the erection is back.  

Erotic Embodiment Sex Skill #4 and #5: Be Giving // Be Receptive

Learning to truly give and deeply receive are beautiful gifts you offer you lover. These are different skills, but of course they are related. Learning to give a receive in new ways can be deeply healing for all of us. But I recommend doing the giving and receiving separately! 

Giving, when done with an open heart, can be either for you or for me. Giving for you means I’m in service of your pleasure; giving for me means I’m touching you for my pleasure. 

Receiving, truly learning to receive pleasure and love and kindness without the need to reciprocate, is harder for most of us (for everyone I work with, including myself!). Receiving for me is delighting in pleasure that makes me feel good; receiving for you means I’m allowing my receptivity to be a gift in service of your pleasure. 

This framework is from the Wheel of Consent, and it has been instrumental in learning more about how to touch in different ways. Please read more here in my blog about consent practices. Learning how to differentiate between giving and receiving (and who it is for) is really interesting, helpful, and for me, very healing. 

Learning to differentiate frees us from the constraints of having to both give and receive at the same time. I invite you to fully give to your partner with no need for reciprocity (now or in the future—aka, there isn’t a tally!). Likewise, I invite you to fully receive from your partner, without the need to give back (that’s usually really hard for people). There are gifts to be found within each.

What does this feel like in action? For me, it’s learning how to pleasure my partner for my own gratification: sucking on him or kissing him or touching him in a way that is for my pleasure; I delight in his skin, his cock, his mouth, his body. It also means we play with him in a more Dominant role where I do the exact same activities as above, but in service of his pleasure. Both are delightful and offer a range of sexual play that is super yummy and exciting.

This also means that as sexual partners we have a very flexible way to find pleasure: sometimes it’s for me, sometimes it’s for him. And often we’ll specify the intention before we play to keep boundaries clear; sometimes it’s more organic and it will shift during our play.

Learning how to really give and receive in these new ways can be deeply healing for anyone that has suffered with sexual or emotional trauma; these practices can build deep trust between partners because we can begin to better understand motivations and trust our own intuition when it comes to lovers and their touch. 

Erotic Embodiment Sex Skill #6: Be Skillful 

Building your toolkit of sex skills is endlessly fun, and if you want a vibrant sex life you should always be learning. Learn about the basics of anatomy (your own and your partner’s, if it’s different than yours). Learn about new sex skills (like from a sex coach!) and learn to play in various ways. You can learn breath practices, Tantra practices, take your own erotic play to the next level with edging and orgasm delay, you can explore kink and BDSM play and include some physical or psychological play into your sex life. You can find new places to play, new ways to explore the realm of sex. Novelty is key to healthy sex lives.

What does this look like for us? We both have our own versions of erotic exploration. We read and listen to experts, therapists, and stories that keep our erotic thread (and our erotic intellect) engaged. We learn new ways to play that take into account our busy schedules, sickness, long-distance and more. We talk openly and frequently about our sex life overall and specific activities that we want to add, amend, or explore more deeply. Those couples that talk about sex more often are more likely to have longer and more fulfilling sexual relationships, and that is my wish for us… and for YOU! 

You’re in a good place by finding yourself on the bottom of the article here. Now go explore these sex skills!  

Gorgeous images of me and my love by Erin Venable Photography