Did you read my last story about sexual boredom? You should, because it details all the reasons you might be feeling a bit bored in the bedroom, and gives you a chance to ask yourself some hard questions. This story is the second part, all about how to keep your sex life hot. Thanks to my very favorite Psychotherapist + Sex Therapist, Christopher F. Brown LCSW, CST of Sapient Therapy, for writing this story with me.
I’m in the business of pleasure! If you’re bored in your sexual relationship, read more to learn my favorite ways to keep things interesting in the bedroom. And if you’re already feeling hot and spicy in your sex life? Guess what? These tips are still awesome, and you’ll probably still learn a lot, because this list isn’t your typical ‘spice things up’ list. With very few exceptions, you don’t need to buy a bunch of stuff or try out ‘weird’ things. Nearly everything you need for a vibrant and healthy sex life is already inside of you.
Let’s do it: let’s make your sex life SUPER FUN AND HOT! ❤️🔥
The Joy of Novelty! New Stuff to Keep your Sex Life Steamy
Many people get into a routine when it comes to sex. Some of us require a higher degree of novelty than others. If one of you feels bored, you’re less likely to crave more sex. Therefore, you might be less likely to initiate sex since it doesn’t offer the same heady rush of hormones it once did. Remember, adding novelty doesn’t mean that you have to give up anything you’re already doing. Keep what works, and think about adding on to your sexual play. Anything you add in will allow your brain to experience something new and respond positively. Research shows that adding one act of novelty per month can be enough of a novelty balance for long-term partners.
In reality, if we put in effort and take steps to keep things fun and sexy in the bedroom, sexual boredom is not inevitable (so says the research). Here are some ways to add newness into your sex life:
- Have sex at different times of day. So if you always have sex at night, try it first thing in the morning. Maybe you want a mid-afternoon snack? Another way is to find time for a little quickie before going to the gym? And you can set an alarm to wake up in the middle of the night for a moonlit love-fest.
- Enhance your senses with external stimulation: think of ways to enhance the room like with sexy new music; add interesting scents using incense or an essential oil diffuser. Try to add ambiance by changing out lighting; try out salt lamps, fairy lights, or light candles for a soft glow.
- Explore new body-based sensations: try using extra lube; use a warmed massage oil on the skin; play with different ways to touch the skin (there are a lot of things around the house that can become sensation toys if you think creatively—for example, the tines of a fork, or a big fluffy makeup brush).
- Do it in different parts of the house! Interrupt dinner and have a makeout session on the counter. Draw the curtains and have sex on the living room floor! Have a hot mutual masturbation session in the shower.
- Change the “sex script.” For example, Dr. Ian Kerner uses the term sex scripts to talk about the individual actions we take when we have sex. First we do X, then we do Y, and then we do Z. Change up the order of your script. Maybe you start with Z or end with Y. However you play, mixing it up will create a more interesting and satisfying sex life.
In her podcast, sex researcher Emily Nagoski explains that often the solution for sexual boredom involves adding new things to rev up the sexual excitation system (SES). That might be part of the solution, and some of the things mentioned above might work really well. However, for many of us, we need to turn down the sexual inhibition system (SIS, the brakes) before adding anything exciting. Sometimes we need to make other changes to our environment or our habits to turn off the “brakes.” For more about SIS and SES, please read this summary or read Dr. Nagoski’s excellent book, Come as You Are.
Using Mindfulness to Make Sex More Interesting
Have you ever made your grocery list while having sex? Or maybe you suddenly remembered that work email you forgot to send during a sexy massage? This happens to a lot of us (yes, me too). We’re human and our brains are always multi-tasking. This is literally what our brains do, and there isn’t anything wrong with having these thoughts. We can take back our power here. Our work is to refocus, and our reward is more pleasure! Mindfulness tools help.
Do you feel totally checked out during sex? Do you pay attention to what you’re doing and what’s being done to you? If not, you’re missing all the good stuff, and you’re not likely going to have a very satisfying experience.
You can use your breath to bring you back into your body. Take a few long, slow breaths to refocus your mind on whatever the experience at hand is. Breathe into the pleasure, and think about moving that energy in your body. And if you’re with a partner, synchronize your breathing so that you can tune into their energy. Deep breathing together is one of the quickest ways to sync up with your lover.
So if your brain is too chatty during sex, or if you have an intrusive thought, just pause. Take a breath, and gently bring your attention back to your body using your senses. Do a body scan: what are you feeling, seeing, smelling, tasting? What sensations do you feel in/on your body (warm, cool, itchy, etc.)? Where do you feel pleasure in your body? Are you touching someone and enjoying the feel of their skin under your fingers? Is someone touching you? How might you better pay attention to what they are doing and the stimulation that touch might be offering? Ask these questions gently. Be nice to yourself.
Sex Positivity Should is an Important Sexual Value
This Sexual Medicine Society of North America (SMSNA) article mentions an important factor to help combat sexual boredom: sex-positivity. In this context, what does sex positivity mean?
Generally, sex positivity means openness to sex and sexuality without shame and stigma. We’re using this term to counterbalance the woefully inadequate sex education in the United States. “Sex positivity” reframes sex-negative cultural, social, religious, and/or familial experiences like abstinence-only education, purity culture, toxic masculinity, and/or heteronormative expectations. Sex positivity encourages openness around gender expression, relational dynamics, and individual sexual expression (i.e.: kink or BDSM).
And you don’t have to be interested or engaged in those activities in order to be sex positive. Having a positive attitude about sex generally—especially the type of sex you like to have—is key to keeping things hot within yourself and your relationship. Sex is natural, should be fun for everyone involved. We deserve to have pleasure and sex in our lives if we want it.
Similarly, many of us struggle with shame or stigma around sex. This is because most of us don’t have proper sex education and counseling, so you might not be sure about what you want from a sexual relationship. Many of us have stories and values running in our minds that are not our own. This makes it hard to know what we truly want and need with sex.
Sex is natural, yes. And most of us need practices, tools, and guidance to be our most fully expressed selves. This is especially true if you are attracted to a type of person, a type of sex, or a specific act that you feel shameful about. This shame can hit the sexual brakes and make it really hard to enjoy our sex life. Doing the work to unwind shame can be really helpful. With a trusted professional, you can work on awareness, acceptance, and expression of your specific sexual needs.
Compassionate Guided Practices & Communication Skills
Additionally, SMSNA recommends better communication and getting professional help to ensure great sexual relationships. There are no models to show us how to have challenging conversations with our partners, and we’re not taught to think deeply about our own pleasure. A trusted professional can help you work through these challenging conversations, and help you think about sex and pleasure in totally different ways.
Solving the underlying causes of sexual issues starts with better conversation strategies. It might also include practicing touch, mindfulness, and connection. And you might also need to learn your own sexual values and mindset. In my work, I help people through difficult conversations, allow them to relearn what sex and relationships can be, unwind shameful or limiting beliefs, and explore please. My work is to help you go deeper and open your heart in service of deeper connection.
If you’re ready to build a deeper relationship and a juicy and exciting sex life, please schedule a session. For more free resources about expanding pleasure capacity in your body read my article here about Pleasure as a Practice. For additional resources about pleasure practices to dive deeper into making sex more present, mindful, and intimate, see my posts here and here.
